Separation, Humanity, and Cynicism

     I'm not sure why she cut our friendship off so quickly. I want to say bluntly, it was frank and abrupt, but it was concise, and quick, and sharp. You can't cut through something so cleanly with a blunt knife, it has to be honed to a razor's edge. But truthfully, I don't blame her at all. Clearly I did something to offend her, and I'm man enough to accept the repercussions for my actions. The thing that worries me is how easily I'm letting it go. I don't have some personal problem with her, she never offended me, but I understand that she wants to end it, and I'm letting go too, because it's the "adult" thing to do. Why? Why is letting someone go with whom you'e shared so much what society demands of us? Because to me, not letting those close to you leave you over some trivial matter seems like the mature action. I'm not losing a book or a set of keys, so why do I care less than if I were? I'm losing a human being for God's sake. Why is it that we can't run back and tell them how much they mean to us, how important they are, and how we truly value them? Because we're supposed to respect their space and opinions? I understand that, and I guess that's why I'm so okay with letting go. Because any further attempts would look childish, that I'm too insecure and vulnerable to let her move on. Or worse, that I'm invading her space, refusing to recognize her boundaries. But that to me seems childish. Under the vast majority of circumstances, at least the tiniest bit of the brain longs for those you've shunned to come back, and try to get you to take back what you've said and done. Why do we have to ignore, and forget all of good inside of a person you know and love to accept the stone cold exterior, and the words coming from it.
     But I understand that I have to move on. I can't keep dwelling on pain or sadness, and I have. It's our natural defense function, but it's scaring me how efficiently it works, especially recently. It's that part of me that knows it's my life to live, and I can't get hung up on what someone said, even if they are a close friend. I'm not going to waste my life striving for some unrequited affection or attention. Part of me wishes that I could, that human interaction is what the human experience is about. But I also know that there will always be people I can turn to, people that can help get my mind off of things, at least for a little while. As far as that goes, I could go out and meet new people, gain new experiences and become a part in more people's lives. The part of me that knows it's my life, is too often confused with some belief that tells me that no one is looking out for me as  much as I am. That's not true. I know there are people looking out for me, who love me just as much if not more than I love them, but it's a consolation. Though it is a childish consolation. I may be the one living my life, but that by no means means I'm the center of it.
     Part of me wants to have her come back, and we'll forget about it, and move on. The other part of me wants to hold a petty grudge and refuse to let us be friends again. I'm not going to let something silly ruin this any more than it has, but I'm not actively hoping for anything. It's part that I don't let myself, and I realize that it may well never happen, and part just moving forward. Not putting energy into a wish upon a star, or wasting money on the lottery. It could pay off well, but I have better things I could be doing with my time and energy, even my hope.
      I went through a stage of bewilderment, and I asked myself, "why?" I know that digging won't help with anything, or change what's already happened. So I ended that stage, glazed myself over with apathy. But I feel that it's a legitimately based ignorance of that question. It won't do any good, and it doesn't matter. It's not like History, the circumstances that caused the collapse are impossible to replicate, so learning from my mistakes, however wise, won't apply in the future. Part of me wonders if it was karma coming back to bite me, if it is, I've paid for it duly, maybe even thricely with this.
     I feel as though society is training us to be outrageously cynical. It demands it even. We think that people trying to take us back are rude and annoying, and if they are sincere, than it's only for some personal gain of theirs. I feel like it adds more power to when people do show honest emotion and sensitivity. Look at politicians for instance, we expect them to be emotionless, we demand them to be "professional" and "sophisticated", which really means restrained and cold. (Also, look at the first Thesaurus entry for Sophisticated.) But then, when under duress, their exterior facade cracks, and politicians show genuine emotion, the power of it is staggering. Should this come at the price of shutting ourselves off to the people around us? I understand that there is a time and place for it, and that there are some things that require us to be calculating and disavow emotions, if only for a short time. I accept that. However, the way we talk to each other the rest of the time. A little compassion couldn't possibly affect 90% of the jobs out there, so why is so much of the talking we do with our co-workers disingenuous small-talk? Why are we supposed to trust someone before we can talk to them about meaningful things? I can't imagine harm coming to me because I told someone how I really feel about someone, especially it was in a positive light, or what I plan to do after School, or how I feel about myself. But I restrict myself,  because it's just not what people do, and for some reason I let that control me. I shouldn't, and I can't, but I do anyway. I let those people go, and I feel bad for how easy it is, even though I know it would feel worse if I didn't. Part of me just wants to feel anything at all.

I would buy Stephen Hawkin's Cosmic Cookbook.

Why does my Phone pocket-text you blog?

This was nothing, but out of nothing, something!!

Yeah... that's about it.

Not-So Angry Redhead!

 Hey, I would just like to show point you all to another red-headed blog, it's gardening, and it's super awesome. She has gardening shenanigans and adventures, and some awesome DIY, which you can also find on Instructables. Speaking of Instructables, I guess I'm doing the hype because of this, no charitable act, eh?

BAT MAN

Freehand symbol, first time trying it, and in my defense
it looks amazing from 30 feet away. 

That said, clearly I need more practice

No Sleep. Ever. Again.

Today was the best!

Or at least these past like, 48 hours

I got home, and got a call from my friend asking for directions onto the roof

So I just biked there as fast as possible and walked out of an alley right in front of them and they were surprised as hell Then we went to the roof

got a game of mousetrap and started to play it in the middle of the sidewalk

Ran across some lanes of traffic

got noodles and company, won the claw game

Saw harry potter

went to my fiends house and watched futurama and movies and listened to the replacements all night, combines with a three am ice cream run (possibly later) and the best pint of ice cream ever, and by best I mean we covered more surface area than anyone could imagine.

didn't sleep

left to jeffrey's house in the morning, had an amazing jam sesh

watched aaron's friend lay down a track

jammed

then squashbuckled

We played animal crossing, then decided we needed to link it to the gba, so we checked and saw the gamestop at ballston had a cable, so we ran there, and then as we walked into gamestop, we saw hunter, so we ran across the store and hid behind a pillar for ten minutes, then when he walked closer to us, we ducked out and he never saw us

then went to cvs and got goldfish

went back inside gamestop, and asked the guy if they had the cables, and he just pulled a bunch of GameCube cables out of the trash and gave them to us for free, then I came home and saw my brother for the first time in forever, and played animal crossing for like, five hours

It's amazing

"We got booze, we got candy, we don't need anything else!" -Julia

My heart's beating at a mile a minute, and I'm not sure why, I know it's not the 30 foot drop on either side of me.

Is There Such a Thing as a Free Lunch?

     At essentially every school in the United States, hats that aren't part of the school uniform, or are important as part of a student's religion, are not allowed in the school. This rule has been taught to us since age five, but still, I know far too many people who constantly whine about how "unfair" and "dated" the rule is. Really people? Come on. Honestly, most of what pisses me off about it is people who pride themselves on their maturity and intelligence start acting like five-year-olds about it. The ones that they constantly back-sass teachers who tells them to take their hat off. teachers who are, as a matter of fact, doing their job. Further, they can't provide any real reason to why we should be allowed to wear hats in school, other than how it's a relic of a bygone age, and how they don't want to take their hat off.

     Get it together people. First off, why on Earth is it so important for you to wear a hat inside school? If you go to school anywhere below the snow line, you won't freeze to death in the classroom, honest. For me, I 90% of the time I wear hats is when it's near or below freezing, and my ears will fall off if I don't. I take them off as soon as I get inside because of respect for wherever I am, showing that I don't plan to run out, and because my head just gets too hot, and it's uncomfortable! The other 10% of the time, it's when I'm in scorching Nevada-like (Or plain old Nevada) sun, and I don't want my eyes to be burnt out. School's fluorescent lights will not blind you (I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone with that, if you have a medical condition that necessitates wearing hats and are offended, please email me and I'll buy you lunch or coffee or something). And truth be told, as far as warm-weather headgear goes, it would just make your head hotter in class. If you want to wear a baseball cap to represent your favorite team, there are tons of other ways to do so, and much better times as well. I assume that a fair amount of people want the "toughness" or "anonymity" that comes with wearing a hat. Sure, you see lots of gangstas doing it, and hats sometimes make it harder to identify you, but two things, first, you know who liked anonymity? This guy. Secondly, this may shatter your entire world view, but you have to see your teachers almost every day for an entire year. They will know who you are. The most common thing I see however, is that people want to look fashionable. Honestly? At the most basic level, hats really aren't in fashion anymore. When I see a young person wearing a hat for the sake of wearing a hat, nine out of ten times I look at them and think "Asshole" to myself. I will just put it out here now, that you look fine without a hat, hair is an astonishingly beautiful thing, and most hats are rather unbecoming. I'm not going to pretend that fashion isn't important in school and all, but if a hat is that essential to impress your friends, wear it outside of school.
     Hats really are distracting. I'll say it now. Not because people will get their attention drawn to it or whatever, I don't give a damn, but because they get in the way of me seeing the front of the classroom. That's not only a jerk move, but that's impeding everyone else's ability to do well in a class, all because someone decided to wear some ridiculous hat to class one day.
     Moreover, hats are the easiest article of clothing to knock off or steal, and allowing hats in school hallways would undoubtedly lead to more guys trying to start fights or show that they have the most testosterone by knocking each other's hats off and stealing them and such. Not good.
     Lastly, it's a matter of respect. I truthfully don't care if people aren't expected to wear hats whenever in public anymore, it is still a sign of respect in western culture to take your hat off before entering a building. That is just a matter of showing that you are grateful to be there and appreciate whoever is hosting you. People will always take their hats off when the star spangled banner is played, out of respect for the flag, what it stands for, and how many people have died for it. Now think about our schools, without them, and our education, America would not resemble the country we are today. We wouldn't have any of the knowledge that makes us functional members of a society, and allows us to import so many engineers for all over the world. We would be back in the Stone Age, and I'm certain most of us (myself included) wouldn't make it. So show so damn respect and take your hat off before you enter school.


*Please Note: None of that was addressed to people whose religious convictions require them to wear a hat, I personally think that that's pretty awesome. Also not addressed: Active Military Personnel, People who have medical conditions that require them to wear a hat, Capelad, and Pirates. If you fall into one of those groups and were offended by this, please send me an email, we can grab some tasty coffee and/or tea and get to know each other.

One Hundred and Eighty Part Two

     One Hundred and Eight Days ago, I posted a post entitled One Hundred and Eighty. This post you are reading now, was written One Hundred and Eighty days ago, on January 3rd, 2011. 

    

     The inspiration for One Hundred and Eighty came from the song "Old Hazel Eyes is Back", track Eight on One Night Stand in North Dakota's album Dissatisfactions. Singing, "I saw myself through your eyes for One Hundred and Eighty Weeks. Now I'm trying to learn how to see again, looking through to what's underneath." 

     One Hundred and Eighty Weeks, near three and a half years. In that time, it'll be winter again, just like it was when this began. Except it'll be 2014. I'll have graduated by then, and be away in college, my life having made another One Hundred and Eighty Degree turn.

      But One Hundred and Eighty isn't a full circle, just getting there. In Three Hundred and Sixty Days, doubtless I'll have changed from who I am now. In Three Hundred and Sixty Weeks, who knows where I'll be. 

     One Hundred and Eighty Words.