Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Separation, Humanity, and Cynicism

     I'm not sure why she cut our friendship off so quickly. I want to say bluntly, it was frank and abrupt, but it was concise, and quick, and sharp. You can't cut through something so cleanly with a blunt knife, it has to be honed to a razor's edge. But truthfully, I don't blame her at all. Clearly I did something to offend her, and I'm man enough to accept the repercussions for my actions. The thing that worries me is how easily I'm letting it go. I don't have some personal problem with her, she never offended me, but I understand that she wants to end it, and I'm letting go too, because it's the "adult" thing to do. Why? Why is letting someone go with whom you'e shared so much what society demands of us? Because to me, not letting those close to you leave you over some trivial matter seems like the mature action. I'm not losing a book or a set of keys, so why do I care less than if I were? I'm losing a human being for God's sake. Why is it that we can't run back and tell them how much they mean to us, how important they are, and how we truly value them? Because we're supposed to respect their space and opinions? I understand that, and I guess that's why I'm so okay with letting go. Because any further attempts would look childish, that I'm too insecure and vulnerable to let her move on. Or worse, that I'm invading her space, refusing to recognize her boundaries. But that to me seems childish. Under the vast majority of circumstances, at least the tiniest bit of the brain longs for those you've shunned to come back, and try to get you to take back what you've said and done. Why do we have to ignore, and forget all of good inside of a person you know and love to accept the stone cold exterior, and the words coming from it.
     But I understand that I have to move on. I can't keep dwelling on pain or sadness, and I have. It's our natural defense function, but it's scaring me how efficiently it works, especially recently. It's that part of me that knows it's my life to live, and I can't get hung up on what someone said, even if they are a close friend. I'm not going to waste my life striving for some unrequited affection or attention. Part of me wishes that I could, that human interaction is what the human experience is about. But I also know that there will always be people I can turn to, people that can help get my mind off of things, at least for a little while. As far as that goes, I could go out and meet new people, gain new experiences and become a part in more people's lives. The part of me that knows it's my life, is too often confused with some belief that tells me that no one is looking out for me as  much as I am. That's not true. I know there are people looking out for me, who love me just as much if not more than I love them, but it's a consolation. Though it is a childish consolation. I may be the one living my life, but that by no means means I'm the center of it.
     Part of me wants to have her come back, and we'll forget about it, and move on. The other part of me wants to hold a petty grudge and refuse to let us be friends again. I'm not going to let something silly ruin this any more than it has, but I'm not actively hoping for anything. It's part that I don't let myself, and I realize that it may well never happen, and part just moving forward. Not putting energy into a wish upon a star, or wasting money on the lottery. It could pay off well, but I have better things I could be doing with my time and energy, even my hope.
      I went through a stage of bewilderment, and I asked myself, "why?" I know that digging won't help with anything, or change what's already happened. So I ended that stage, glazed myself over with apathy. But I feel that it's a legitimately based ignorance of that question. It won't do any good, and it doesn't matter. It's not like History, the circumstances that caused the collapse are impossible to replicate, so learning from my mistakes, however wise, won't apply in the future. Part of me wonders if it was karma coming back to bite me, if it is, I've paid for it duly, maybe even thricely with this.
     I feel as though society is training us to be outrageously cynical. It demands it even. We think that people trying to take us back are rude and annoying, and if they are sincere, than it's only for some personal gain of theirs. I feel like it adds more power to when people do show honest emotion and sensitivity. Look at politicians for instance, we expect them to be emotionless, we demand them to be "professional" and "sophisticated", which really means restrained and cold. (Also, look at the first Thesaurus entry for Sophisticated.) But then, when under duress, their exterior facade cracks, and politicians show genuine emotion, the power of it is staggering. Should this come at the price of shutting ourselves off to the people around us? I understand that there is a time and place for it, and that there are some things that require us to be calculating and disavow emotions, if only for a short time. I accept that. However, the way we talk to each other the rest of the time. A little compassion couldn't possibly affect 90% of the jobs out there, so why is so much of the talking we do with our co-workers disingenuous small-talk? Why are we supposed to trust someone before we can talk to them about meaningful things? I can't imagine harm coming to me because I told someone how I really feel about someone, especially it was in a positive light, or what I plan to do after School, or how I feel about myself. But I restrict myself,  because it's just not what people do, and for some reason I let that control me. I shouldn't, and I can't, but I do anyway. I let those people go, and I feel bad for how easy it is, even though I know it would feel worse if I didn't. Part of me just wants to feel anything at all.

No comments: